6:30 a.m. - 2004-07-26
Tonight at \"Church\"
While checking my email this morning I saw that I had a note waiting for me here. I procrastinated. I expected it to be a lecture. Instead it turned out to be a hug. Thank you.
It's helping me and hurting me at the same time.
I am sorely in need of validation and/or companionship. Lately I said all I do is exist, well I may be wrong in that. It feels as if I don't exist.
At "church" tonight one of the "nuns" insisted on "praying" with Brother Nick and another insisted on "praying" with his roommate Brother James because she liked that "hymn". Meanwhile, I was sitting there completely alone. The nuns won't pray with me unless there's a three hymn special going on and noone else is interested.
Maybe the reason I still carry torches for some of my old lovers is because I'm so lonely. For some reason a handful of ladies have made the mistake of dating me. I don't know why they did, but whatever it was in me that they were interested in must be gone. I was a worse scrub back in school than I am now, but I had girlfriends then.
I tried to smother the torches not so long ago. All of them. I tried to fix me. One of the hymns tonight was "Something I Can Never Have".
If you come across a song entitled "I know you" by Henry Rollins you might understand where I'm coming from a little more.
Insert shameless promo spot here: If you read this die-ary be sure to read my other die-ary, johny-t-h-m (NY instead of my usual NNY) to see some of my old poetry.
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