11:29 a.m. - 2004-08-24
Lessons and Interpretations
After talking with a few people, and looking into how I view myself, I can't come to any reasonable conclusions. I can, of course, come to several unreasonable conclusions though.
Kids need two parents. Kids need to be put into unfamiliar situations on a regular basis to prevent shyness. Kids need to be encouraged to play sports or join something like scouts or take music lessons to broaden their horizons.
I had none of that. I'm a bastard child of a single mother. I grew up hearing "I should have adopted you out like I did the other one." Then instead of letting me run amok as the unwanted child she claimed I was, my mother kept me at home too often.
Children of a divorce may have it rough, blaming themselves for it. When they grow up, however, they should be able to realize that just wasn't the case. Bastard children, well, I think we have it a bit worse. We don't see a nice family break up and blame ourselves. We see that all the other kids have a nice family, and we don't. There isn't one thing we can say that we did that caused mommy and daddy to split up. We can't promise our parents that we'll be good from now on please don't get a divorce. Instead we see that there must be something wrong with us. Something so wrong that we don't deserve a real family. That we don't deserve to be loved.
I'm sure a bunch of us have learned how to cope. I'm sure some of us have found a spouse who loves us, whose family accepts us into their own, and had children that we swear we will never abandon who love us as well.
I haven't. Whoever said, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" is full of shit. Just when I was used to be alone, didn't mind being alone, even started to cherish my independance, I had the rug pulled out from under me. I was made to see that I could be somebody, that I was loveable, that despite whatever I may have thought was wrong with me I could be happy. Then I lost it all.
Of course I blamed myself. Who else could be at fault? Certainly not this person I cherished. I couldn't bring myself to hate her. So I hated myself instead.
Time went by and I thought I might finally be over it. I didn't have to blame myself, nor did I have to blame her. Then, silly me, I let it happen again. I made the mistake of letting my heart show again. So obviously I fell head over heels, and got knocked on my ass. All alone with nothing to look forward to. Yet again the only person I had to blame was me.
If I seem fake, it's because I am afraid of getting hurt one more time. I used to say that it's not rejection I fear, but acceptance. It's still kinda true. I'd rather be rejected from the start, than allow myself to get comfortable with someone only to get hurt later. "I will learn to elevate you just enough to bring you down."
There is no one special person out ther for me. There are only people that I could settle for. I've been told I need to be more selective. I don't think I could be any more picky than refusing everyone like I do now.
Good, bad, or ugly...it doesn't matter what I am. It only matters that I am alone and need to accept it. I'm not going to look for anything. If a girl throws herself at me, I'm just gonna have to reject her. If she thinks I'm something special, then she obviously has too many problems for me to deal with.
There is no middle ground. I'm either a basket case or I'm perfectly "normal". Whichever way, it doesn't matter. None of it matters. I don't matter.
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