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5:58 p.m. - 2004-09-23
My English Compostion Assignment so that everyone can read it...

Johnny

English Composition I

23 September 2004

Single Female ISO a Tall, Dark, Handsome, and Abusive Man for Painful Evenings at Home


"She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man." --"Better Man" by Pearl Jam


I was stumped for ideas on this assignment. Next I had too many ideas. Then I used some personal research. I interviewed six women (friends and relatives of those friends), ranging in age from 15 to 24. I was looking to see if certain attitudes changed with age. It turns out that overall experience and maturity are greater factors than physical age. What I wanted to know was why women stay with controlling or abusive partners.

The first question I asked was: Why do a lot of women stay with abusive (mentally controlling or physically harming boyfriends / husbands?

Across the board fear was named as a reason for staying with an abusive partner, but it was the type of fear that differed. Fear of what the guy might do to the woman if she chose to leave. Fear of being alone or that no one else would love her was another concern. Along with fear was listed the idea that their partners were only "treating them poorly out of love and would somehow make it up to them." No matter how cruel a guy is to a woman, as long as she is still blinded by love, she will believe that it won't happen again.

The second question was: If a woman gets out of a bad relationship, why does she tend to get into another one like it?

This question resulted in similar answers. Actually most of those surveyed said it was the same reasoning. That "it's the only kind of love they may know. It might even be that they were abused as kids, and they are so used to it that it seems normal." These women may not be actively looking for another guy that will harm them, but they may be attracted to someone who is dominant. "It has very little to do with the abuser. It has everything to do with the woman's sense of self"

Something I didn't ask that I now see that I should is: What contributes to such poor self images in the first place?

My theory places a lot of the blame on the media, but I do not excuse the individual for letting it influence her so thoroughly.

Question number three was: What would you do if your significant other ever started trying to control every aspect of your life?

Here there were different answers from each person. A 15 year old said she would stay with the guy unless things "got really bad." Moving up the teenage bracket to 16, one woman said that she would want to "talk it out to find out what was bothering him." The other 16 year old said she'd just "leave the guy." The last teenager, who is nearly 18, mentioned how a woman "doesn't always see it coming." She hinted that guys can be so subtle about control. "Then (she) realized what he was doing, and she tried to break up with him... (Then) he got scary." She tried a lot of different approaches to try to make him less interested in her since he wouldn't just let her go. My next respondent is 22. She says it "depends. That every woman needs a little control because we are just crazy." If he started forcing control over everything then she would leave him. The last respondent is 24. She said that "she would ask for some breathing room."
The fourth question I asked was: What if your significant other hit you?

Most of the women said that they would call it quits immediately. Some said they'd hit the guy back. A few said that they would give the guy one more chance, but that one chance is all he would get. I guess some women out there are using a three strike rule or are letting their men swing for the whole team all nine innings. It's not funny. There is nothing comical about a guy abusing women.

Along with abuse goes infidelity. My next question was: What if he cheated on you? Also, what do you define as cheating?

Cheating was defined as having sex with another person. Phone sex and cyber sex were not considered cheating, but they were not considered to be good for a relationship either. What they said they would do about it was tempered by whether or not they have been unfaithful, either in past relationships or in current ones. If they had cheated on a partner, they were more likely to forgive a cheating partner. They said that they felt they deserved it. Also, either a cooling off time and/or counseling were suggested. "Only after I am sure I've exhausted all my outlets will I call it quits because I owe it to my children to do everything in my power to keep their family intact."

Next I asked: If he cheated on you then told you immediately (less than two weeks) later, would it be different than if he waited quite awhile? What if he didn't tell you, but you found out some other way?

If the guy confessed immediately "that would mean the guilt was getting to him." So talking it out at that point, as well as spending some time apart seemed to be a solution. Most of the relationships would be ended if the woman found out some other way.
Personally, I do not believe that mistakes from previous relationships should carry over into a new one. I try to learn from my mistakes and keep them in mind when a similar situation arises. I would not just give my new partner a freebie on something I hold as wrong just because I have already made a particular mistake.
It seems to me that women are willing to tolerate quite a bit before they will give up on a relationship. Is the time they've invested in this person so important that it would be a shame to start over now?
In my sociology class, Dr. C. Andre Christie-Mizell stated that "the strength of social bonds equals interaction over time."

Can this time with an abusive partner be more important that the time a woman has with herself? How has the "I" part of the self convinced the "me" to look the other way? The blindness of love is not enough of an answer for me.
In the movie "Very Bad Things," Cameron Diaz's bride-to-be character informs her soon-to-be-husband that "I've been waiting 27 years to walk down that aisle, and you are not going to ruin this for me!" She tells him this after he confessed to being party to several murders in the last few days. Has the image of a perfect marriage been so ingrained in today's women that they cannot picture themselves without a husband?
To me this seems to completely contradict the independent attitudes women have been promoting since the Women's Rights Movement. Another contradiction is how masculine today's feminist leaders are.
Recently I read an article on MSN entitled "5 Ways Women Make Better Leaders," by Jo Miller, a Women's Leadership Coach. "Evidence has mounted that if you are a woman, then statistically speaking, your natural, authentic leadership style is working just fine. Yet women try to be more like men, while men are unencumbered by such thoughts, and get ahead simply by
being themselves." This might not be a problem to the less educated, abusive partner stereotype. For other men though, it is tricky censoring every word they say so as to not offend anyone.
Along these lines we have television channels such as MTV and BET sending the message that "it's not cool to be white." It is just another major insecurity to deal with. If you're white then you can't dance. You can't sing. You have no rhythm. You don't have a big enough "booty." And you certainly don't have a large enough penis. You just aren't enough of a woman or a man if you are white. They offer a solution though. It is not a good one, but so many people would rather be popular than right so it doesn't seem to matter. In order for a Caucasian to ever have any measure of popularity he or she must emulate the stereotypes of other races. If a guy becomes a "thug" and disrespects women, he'll be accepted. If a woman dates a guy of another race, she is automatically more popular than women who don't. Having pride in being Caucasian is seen as a sign of being a racist.
I gave some advice that I thought was appropriate: "Although you may have made some mistakes and now have a better perspective form which to judge things, it doesn't make those mistakes right. Don't go light on someone just because you've made the same mistake. Think of it as you have already paid the consequences. The other person still has to go through those consequences or else they'll get off completely unpunished. For forgiveness to happen, the person has to truly repent for what was done." Then again what do I know, I have been single for quite awhile.
To sum it up, women stay with abusive partners because of their own feelings of insecurity. It was pointed out to me by one woman that "these feelings can be caused by these abusive partners, their fathers, or themselves." She also told me that "women with good relationships with their fathers are less likely to stay in an abusive relationship."

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