1:24 a.m. - 2004-09-28
It all balanced out I guess
Although my birthday was technially over in this time zone, I saw my little sister online for my birthday. She's in Chicago so it was still the 27th for her. Like I said earlier: I may not have been the best brother in the world, but I drove two-thirds of the way across the country to watch my little sister get married last December 20th.
I hope it counted for something because I know I made some mistakes over the years. Things I can't undo. Things I can't un-say. If I'm so lonely now it's because although I didn't light any bridges on fire, I didn't see to their upkeep either. I'm so used to my guy friends. With them I can usually go for quite awhile without seeing them, and everything is just how it left off when next we meet. I'm just now realizing that it takes a bit more work to keep relationships of any kind strong with most women. I've been too neglectful in that department.
Another realization: The main reason my relationships crumble after two months is because after the "newness" wears off I have no clue how to sustain a real relationship. I offer too much of myself too quickly, and that leaves the woman bored of me. Plus, with that feeling of newness gone, I'm already scanning for someone else. (Sure this is where someone will say words to the effect of I could have told you that. Well, why didn't you? Just because I didn't ask didn't mean I shouldn't know. If I don't know what to ask, or that there is anything I should be asking... I remain "oblivious.")
Fun thing is, will any of my current introspection matter when I finally have my lover in my arms? Will I remember to apply any of the wisdom I unearth in solitude, or will I be swept away by my emotions as usual?
Time will tell. It will take me time to come to terms with my bad habits and work to at least minimize them. Some habits I don't know if I can break, or if I'd want to break.
Jealousy / Control Issues. How do I fix those while being single? I can work on the control part... I have been slowly working on it... trying to get less involved in other people's lives and choices, holding my tongue. Their decisions are their own; as mine are my own. It's Jealousy/Possessiveness that I don't think I can fix alone. I'm still only seeing it as black and white. Either I'm Jealous or I don't care about the person at all. I haven't found that middle ground yet. I'm afraid that if I tell my partner I don't approve of her going somewhere then I'm too Jealous. If I don't tell her but I let the Jealousy seethe inside me, I explode later. If I try to bottle the Jealousy down even deeper, I just end up losing respect for myself... when I can't respect myself, I can't respect my partner... damn these insecurities are eating at me.
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