12:46 a.m. - 2004-11-16
What this entry is:
This is an apology. If you think it is directed to you then maybe I owed you one. If you don't think it's directed at you, you may want to reread it later just in case. (It's bad when my writing starts to sound like statistics problems.)
Like I said this is an apology. Years ago I was shown how futile apologies can be. Maybe they still are just as paper thin. The same person showed me how pathetic guilt trips are. Maybe apologies and guilt trips stem from the same source, the same needy part of the social consciousness. I'm too old to be this naive. I'm to young to be this jaded. This really isn't going as planned. I overstepped my bounds...How could I have known, though? I'm still trying to find myself. I forgot into which role I'd dug myself. I forgot which role I'd introduced myself as. I wanted to forget. I wanted someone else to forget. I wanted to just be...What?! What did I just want to be?
I wanted some color to brighten the world I keep painting black. I wanted to make my life less like the monochrome one in the pages of a comic. Did I mention I didn't see that comic until after I ruined my life? Did I mention that the first time I read it was about a year ago. Wow, it really has been almost a year. Soon there will be an anniversary, a birthday, Xmas, Kwanza, New Year's (which I should rename Captain Morgan Day in honor of that fifth I drank in two chugs for a bet of $20 American...I checked out at midnight fifteen and didn't check back in until four that evening.) [anyone who is in doubt of which comic I refer to should look to the right of this text at the guy standing there, then look at the name of the die-ary...if you still don't know then so much the better for you]
No apologies, no guilt trips, oh yes and no regrets. Well, I guess two out of three was the best I managed. Every time I fool myself into thinking I don't have any regrets I need only wait until the bitter pangs of loneliness assault me. I've nearly ruined people's happy lives, even if they were temporarily not so happy, just to rid myself of loneliness. Was I the only one to blame? Does it matter? I should have known better...I set the ball rolling.
As I mentioned in an earlier entry, I planned to step up the "spooky" look. I have to some extent done just that. Somehow more people talk to me now that I'm wearing horns, a straight jacket, or a top hat. No, I wasn't really trying to push people away. I do like the limelight from time to time. Maybe my life can mirror a more famous Johnny's film life: spooky / eccentric to versatile heart throb.
Yeah, I've trapped myself in labels. So has most of the world. At least I can tolerate my labels. I'd have an allergic reaction if I woke up wearing Old Navy or Gap clothing. If I suddenly became a model would I turn down jobs from such companies? No, I'd be a sellout. Would I look right in those clothes? No, so they wouldn't use my pictures anyways.
I only had a few hours of sleep last night. My left eye has been bloodshot most of this afternoon and evening. My eye drops are in the car and it's cold outside. I shall go to sleep in just a moment. Maybe that will fix my eye.
I don't think I did a decent job at apologizing. Maybe I didn't need to after all.
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