5:28 a.m. - 2004-12-05
A Conversation With Jessica
Johnny says:
have you seen the non-edited video for closer?
Jessica says:
... No?
Johnny says:
there's a crucified monkey which on mtv and much music they only show its face, and there's a naked young lady who is bald
Jessica says:
No, I have seen that...
Johnny says:
it was tastefully done... unlike a britney spears video... but they couldn't show the nudity on the air
Jessica says:
I really didn't like that video.
Johnny says:
you didn't like closer?
Jessica says:
Nope.
Johnny says:
the video or the song and video?
Jessica says:
The video. I like the song.
Johnny says:
the video is visceral... it's supposed to be moderately offensive to people with any modicum of intelligence
Johnny says:
there's great symbology in it but I do not know the meanings... I could take my guesses but I don't know if they are what Trent Reznor or the video's director intended
Jessica says:
It's one of those videos where you could personally interpret it.
Johnny says:
what was it about the video that you didn't like?
Jessica says:
I'm not entirely sure.
Johnny says:
one of the highlights of it for me was the part with "you can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings" I�d already being doing similar gestures to that part before I saw the video
Jessica says:
Interesting...
Johnny says:
well, just like a lot of the JTHM stuff I identify with. I didn't read it until about a year ago... and yet it all seemed so familiar to me.
Johnny says:
I�m just a hollow clich�
Jessica says:
Do you mean that?
Johnny says:
why wouldn't I?
Jessica says:
Cause I don't think you are.
Johnny says:
well what do you see?
Jessica says:
Someone who thinks a lot, maybe too much sometimes... But who means well... And just doesn't know how to go about a lot of things.
Johnny says:
.oO(speechless... I posted a big chunk of this part of our conversation to my dieary)
Jessica says:
Why speechless?
Johnny says:
I�m not sure of my reaction... I�m very mixed on it
Johnny says:
you hit the nail on the head...
Jessica says:
...
Jessica says:
Why mixed emotions, then?
Johnny says:
I don't know how to fix it... how to learn to go about doing those things that are currently beyond me
Jessica says:
Experience is a good teacher.
Johnny says:
"I�m too old to be this naive; I�m too young to be this jaded"
Johnny says:
oh, and my apology entry had the ex g/f who saw me in Wal-Mart worried about me... until she read at the bottom of the entry that I was tired and she figured that it explained things
Johnny says:
with Jason he'd complain about being shy and I�d tell him to just quit being shy, because compared to him I�m not shy at all. but I can't seem to heed my own advice
Jessica says:
Yeah...
Jessica says:
S'hard.
Johnny says:
I�d asked Aysha about how she perceives me because I can't really get a good image of how I come across to others... same reason I�ve asked you...
Jessica says:
Well, I hope my answer helped.
Johnny says:
well that and the spiral of self doubt you left me to stew with for a few weeks
Jessica says:
...
Johnny says:
to make any changes I have to chip away at the old...
Jessica says:
It's true... But in doing so, you have to add new.
Johnny says:
hmmm, a sculptor never adds more stone... perhaps I am not a statue being carved...
Jessica says:
You're not a stationary object.
Johnny says:
"I am every fucking thing I�ve ever wore"
Jessica says:
You learn and grow from absolutely everything.
Johnny says:
well Dave in Ashtabula would like to "expand my horizons" but I do not find him attractive
Jessica says:
Uh?
Johnny says:
Dave found me on yahoo and immediately told me he was gay. a day or two later some 33 year old guy finds me on yahoo and tells me he's bi curious, so I direct him to Dave to have Dave answer his questions... and the guy flips out telling me that he's only curious not totally gay. I just "assumed" a gay guy could answer a bi curious guy's questions on matters related to gay things
Jessica says:
I'd think so.
Johnny says:
but the guy freaked out...
Johnny says:
Dave reads my dieary and I�m probably going to shove the rest of this entry in there... he's a decent guy, but I don't find him attractive.
Jessica says:
I don't understand some people.
Johnny says:
I hope I haven't been leading him on
Jessica says:
Some people lead themselves on.
Johnny says:
he wants me to go with him on a cruise next summer or so... and I told him I�d go as long as we were clear on the not trying to change my sexuality part... to which he quoted me saying that I don't consider myself to have a sexuality... that I�m not on a side
Johnny says:
I admit I have hang-ups as far as sexuality goes... but I prefer women
Jessica says:
Everyone has hang-ups.
Johnny says:
there's just something wonderfully sensuous about a woman's body unless they have become inhuman sacks of fat... at that point whether originally male or female... it's just plain disgusting to look at
Johnny says:
I like seeing proportionate people...
Johnny says:
people whose bodies just look "right" to me
Jessica says:
Yah. Understandable.
Jessica says:
I think I'm going to bed now...
Johnny says:
ok
Jessica says:
Thanks for the talk.
Jessica says:
Bye bye.
Johnny says:
thank you
Johnny says:
ok, bye
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