3:29 a.m. - 2004-12-17
I hate myself...
...i need to grow the fuck up, get a job close to home slaving my ass off and not caring about it. hoping to get some over time so that i can pay off the credit cards i was stupid enough to get in the first place. on my way to my new job at papa john's today, wells fargo calls telling me that if i can't get them $1300 by 5 p.m. Pacific time they will reposess my car. After filling out a bunch of paper work for papa john's i went over to chris's house early. he had the $1300 to bail my ass out of trouble, just this one time. he'd been saving his money up to buy a big screen tv. the television is more important than i am. so now i've got an appointment for a free consultation with a bankruptcy lawyer in massillon this (friday) afternoon. Probably by Tuesday, when i'm supposed to actually start working at papa john's, i won't have a car to drive to get there or deliver pizzas in. but that okay i guess... fuck it...i had to try so hard tonight not to do something stupid on my way home from chris's. i watched my speed, i didn't drive my car head on into anything, i didn't try to vandalize or burglarize any place... i was "good"
i know i dug myself into this hole but i'm so very close to getting things back together again...or i would have been. but i guess i should have wasted my tuition money on my car payments and then when next semester rolled around and i wasn't in class because i couldn't afford it, oh well. johnny doesn't need to go to college any way. who the fuck was i kidding. it's not like i'll be able to afford the rest of my doctorate anyways so i'll never be able to get a job with a psychology major...especially not the job i want. i'm so fucking lonely. i'm so fucking helpless. i'm so fucking immature.
last time i went over to my grandma's she'd mentioned "the other one" that my mom had... these women really need to tell me the fucking truth about my life. i grew up hearing "i wish i had adopted you out like the other one." well should i be grateful for my grandpa for talking her out of it and for giving me my name and pissed off at my mom for never telling me the fucking truth? should i be pissed off at my grandpa for making my mom keep me? or like the butterfly effect should i have never been born? I don't have a soul so why the fuck am i here?
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