4:06 a.m. - 2005-04-01
just another rant...
...you really ought to be doing something besides reading my dismal thoughts from 4 a.m. on April Fool's day.
I'm not so concerned with the pranking tradition...I did pay special attention to the date because it meant I got to change all three of my erotic calendars to a new month. The two that are black & white photography are in my bedroom, which I haven't slept in during this cold winter. The third one is erotic fantasy paintings; it's right next to my computer monitor.
Those of you I spoke with lately know I'm in a rather dismal mood. I'm not sure who the hell I am. I'm not sure if I'll get my life on track. And I'm definitely unsure as to whether I should be pursuing psychology. As fickle of a creature as I am now, I don't expect to be very compassionate by the time I'm certified to be a psychologist.
Maybe it's this head cold that's bringing me down. Maybe it's the gradual slide into springtime. People will be everywhere twitterpating and Johnny will still be alone. *shrugs* Maybe it's realizing that at twenty-five years old my spring break was no more eventful than when I was fifteen. It's Friday already. I wanted to clean up this disaster of a room so that I could function. I wanted to spend some time with my cousins during the day instead of just after school. I wanted to work some daytime hours door hanging, but apparently the manager didn't want that. I'd specifically told him when I was available to do it.
The closer I get to people via the internet, the farther I drift away from people in person. I am not the same net junky I was back in high school...but at least then I had a lot of in school acquaintances. I may even have had a few friends. My occassional girlfriends were with me in person instead of miles away.
Wednesday night I went to Action Billiards with Nick and his girlfriend Teresa. Conversation was mostly about relationships. How most of Nick's g/f's made the first move...I think mine were the same way. How my body language seems to deter anyone from approaching me...even in places like the Platinum Horse. What age an attractive girl at another table must have been and how that geeky kid in the glasses was lucky enough to be playing pool with her.
Here I am lost in my mind. I come across as creepy to a lot of people...but apparently not creepy enough to a lot of the ones I'd like to associate with. If my electric clippers weren't over at Nick's right now I'd shave my head. Apparently I look too normal in the face but dress too weirdly. As I recall when I shave my head I look like nosferatu. I know that if the clippers were here it wouldn't just be my head I'd be shaving...I'd be shedding all this useless hair. Guess I'll pick up a lot of razor blades when I buy toothpaste and a day time decongestant before work. If walmart weren't so beligerant as to no longer be open 24hours, then I'd get my shopping done at night like I used to do. Go to school, go to work, go to platinum horse, go to walmart, go to an all night diner. Sleep optional. I definitely sleep too much these days.
I used to stay awake for days at a time before I joined the Army. Now I find myself unable to drag myself out of bed until it's time for work or school again. I think it's too late for me; I'm already brainwashed. Save yourselves before it's too late.
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