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6:31 p.m. - 2005-05-25
i wasn't sure which dieary to put this in so...
It's been quite awhile since I've felt shame. Tonight I feel its sting. There have been things that I've done of which I am not proud. Although those things may have had a hand in shaping who I am today, those things are in the past. Sometimes my good memory is a blessing; at other times it's a curse.

Please don't feel sorry for making me feel this way. That I haven't felt shame in such a long time is just an indicator of how far I've fallen. Not wanting to know about my sex life is understandable. There were only two people that I feel I loved at the time and even those two seem questionable to me now.

I've been such a filthy slut. Looking back on who I've dated, I only asked out four of them. The rest of them asked me out. This parallel with Nick's dating life is just an example of how oblivious I was when someone liked me, and how lonely I was to settle for anyone who happened to ask me out.

I'm not trying to sound drastic, but it sounds that way even to me. I've been pondering something lately, and I think I've finally made a firm decision on the matter. I'm abstaining from pornography. At this moment I intend to add any of my magazines to my next burn pile. The other night I found more pictures of a ex-girlfriend that need to be burned, the magazines will help to make a bigger fire.

"All of the flowers I gave her, she burned them."--Type O Negative.

When one of my ex-girlfriends had told me that she'd burned everything I'd ever given her, maybe I should have followed suit and burned away the letters she'd given me. Maybe then I wouldn't have spent eight years carrying a torch for her in my heart. I'm such a fool sometimes.

There have been times when I've been way too sentimental. I'm sure there's a large portion of the clutter in my rooms because of this sentimentality. Another big chunk of the clutter is financial paperwork that burning should take care of nicely. I guess the only question left is where to go to burn things that I won't get in trouble for it.

So if I'm some kind of pyro, at least I'm a responsible one. I just want to burn away the past in a cleansing fire. If I have to burn each letter and photo one at a time over a candle, I'll do it. I'd rather just burn it all at once and be done with it.

Well it's 7 a.m. so I'd better finally go to bed. Afterall I do have an exam to take today.

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