6:56 a.m. - 2005-06-07
Clearing my thoughts
I mentioned in a previous entry that I gave up looking at pornography. It wasn't some "mightier than thou" kinda decision. I gave it up as a means of staying faithful to my girlfriend. I've seen too many relationships fail over the years because the guy will start looking at porn online and fantasize about those other women. Then he starts looking for women for cyber-sex. Then he starts looking for women for discrete real-world encounters. It's all a matter of conditioning. I know because I've been that guy in some of my past relationships. I don't want to be that guy anymore.
Now for further clarification without going into any messy details. I gave up looking at pornography and fantasizing about other women. That was a realistic goal for me. I have NOT, however, given up masturbation. That probably wouldn't be a realistic goal. So instead of fantasizing about other women, I fantasize about my girlfriend. It's my dieary, I'll be as blunt as I feel like.
"And if you look at your reflection
Is that all you want to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself - find yourself afraid to see?" --Right Where It Belongs, NIN
I was afraid to see. When I did look I felt shame. I'm trying to change some of it.
Chris and Nick: I still consider them my friends, but I am in a bit of a rut with them. Sure I used to be the freak of the group, and I still basically am. However, in some ways I am actually more successful than either of them. I did serve in the Army for six years of active-duty time, I am still in the Reserves to fulfill my eight-year obligation, I am going to college... Yet they put me down over my lack-luster board game skills and my currently shitty finances. I may be able to fix my debt situation soon. Maybe that will shut them up.
Trina: Love or obsession? Although I describe it as "love at first sight" I'm not sure if that accurately describes it. When I met her I was speechless. I spent years after dating her blaming myself for ruining that relationship. [That's what brought Henry Rollins's "I Know You" to mind. The lyrics can be found here: http://www.chilternburt.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=476&sid=6cf91189f44d67f95863f3462fe3c8ba ] Well, the connection between that song, and my life that pertains to this situation is: "It made you think that there was something wrong with you. You'd look in the mirror trying to find it. You thought that you were ugly and that everyone was looking at you. So you learned to be invisible, to look down, to avoid conversation."
So I spent all this time blaming myself instead of just letting it go. It clouded my view of myself. I couldn't see that I do actually have some good qualities. I'm not going to get cocky and start listing any, at least not right now. I'm also not going to list things about me that I don't think are very good either. (again, at least not right now) I'm still sorting things out.
Why am I questioning if I ever loved Trina or if it was just an obsession? It's just that every time I've thought I felt love, it felt different. So I'm not sure if love feels different every time or if I don't know what love feels like.
When I'd first talked to Sage online I'd warned her, half-jokingly that if I met her in person I might become smitten with her. I was. She had a boyfriend when I first met her so I've had to keep my feelings in check so that I could be her friend. I had to move past having a crush on her. I knew she had a boyfriend and I was not about to ruin that for her.
It's part of that maturity that I didn't realize I possessed. It has allowed me to genuinely become her friend instead of just lusting after her. I got to know her as a person.
I think for too long I've dehumanized people. Okay, maybe that's too strong of a word. Objectified seems more appropriate. Instead of treating people like people, I've either used them as tools, discarded them like garbage, or put them up on pedastals. None of which works out in the long run.
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