2:04 p.m. - 2007-04-02
What people should know about relationships.
Dear Prudie,
I'm 17 and in a new relationship with a sweet, smart, funny, caring, and cute guy�everything I love. We have been going out for a month and a half, so it's fairly new. I really like him. I don't want to ruin this relationship; I want to keep it going for a while. The other day he said, "I love you." This may not seem like a big deal, but it is to me. After he said it, I knew he was waiting for me to say it; I tried, I did, but nothing came out. I knew he was disappointed to hear my response. All I said was, "Well, I've got to go." I wanted to say it, but I just don't know if I mean it. How do you know if it's too soon to say I love you? And how do you know if you mean it? I spent hours and hours thinking about it, asking myself questions that might help me find if I love him. But nothing worked.
�Wondering
Dear Wondering,
It's too soon when you open your mouth to try to say, "I love you," and all that comes out is, "I've got to go." It's also too soon if you spend hours working yourself into being able to say it. And being 17 may mean it's just too soon for you to say it, even if this guy is everything you're looking for. Yes, it's terrible to get the courage up to say that first "I love you" and have the response be the equivalent of a dropped cell phone call. But your young man will recover. Next time you're together, you can say to him, "I'm having such a great time getting to know you. I really appreciate what you said to me the other day, but I need to take things a little slower than you." Then suggest something fun to do the following weekend. And stop fretting about what you should feel and when, and just enjoy being 17 and in like.
�Prudie
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[Note from Johnny: On a Walmart trip the other day, a woman friend of mine told me that she always waits for the man to say "I love you" first. I told her that I must have been dating the wrong girls. It always feels to me like the girls say it just to guilt me into saying it.
The flip side to this, of course, is the guy who says it just to get into a girl's pants. Can't people just be honest about their feelings of lust without having to candy coat it with a relationship?
Just because two people are physically intimate, it does not mean that they have to be impersonal. Each date with that person can be special in its own way. Relationships lead to possessiveness. Possessiveness leads to jealousy. Jealousy leads to arguments and/or fights.
What's worse is that the arguments are not about the core issue, the jealousy. Instead they are manifestations of someone feeling a lack of control. To compensate that person attempts to control every part of his or her partner's life. Dane Cook refers to these as the "nothing fights."
If instead of waiting until you reach the boiling point over a bunch of little things, why not discuss what you are really feeling? No, people should not try to change their partners into some idealized version of what a partner should be, but, people are often quite oblivious to how their actions are perceived. Sometimes just letting the person know (this applies to partners, roommates, coworkers, etc) how you feel can bring about a positive change for both of you.
On that note, it is healthy to vent your frustrations, but it is far better to confront the source of these frustrations than to tell other people about it. Consulting another person, to put things into perspective and to see if you are being irrational, is helpful, but don't make it into an attack on the person. State the facts, not your opinions. The help the other person can provide hinges solely on how accurate the information is that you give.
Back to the point of origin for all of this: Relationships. I really don't see the point. I see too many "relationshits" (Dane Cook) that should have ended that just get dragged on long past their expiration date. Relationships are based on precedent. If a couple interacts a certain way, it becomes habitual. When the habits are good for both people, things run smoothly. When the habits are bad for even one person, things go sour. If one person in the relationship walks all over the other person and that other person lets them, the abuse, of whatever kind, will continue. If one person in the relationship decides to be nice and buys the other person a gift to mark an occasion like an anniversary, that other person is going to come to expect it and feel resentful if the gifts don't arrive on schedule.
Same sex relationships / marriage: This has been the topic of many a heated debate in recent years. My opinion? If two people of the same biological sex decide that they want to have a relationship, fine. I'd rather there be happy homosexual couples than miserable heterosexual couples. What's worse is that the miserable heterosexual couples end up having children that grow up living with their miserable heterosexual parents. They see poor example of a relationship all their lives and think that's how a relationship is supposed to be. End the cycle. Angry couples should NOT be couples. They definitely should not have children together.
By this point, if I still have any readers, I'm guessing that you feel that I am just bitter about not having a relationship. Quite the opposite. I actually free quite free and liberated in not having one. I am no longer limiting myself to some idealized version of a partner. I am honest about my sexual appetites and I feed those lusts when the opportunity arises. I hope monogamy does not become monotonous for those of you still practice it.
I do still hold out hope for a wonderful relationship full of love and understanding, but I'm finally starting to realize what I meant by something I said long ago. When I would write a love poem about no one in particular, it would turn out so much better than if I wrote a love poem to someone I felt that I loved. Poetry can capture love; it cannot, however, capture the depth of the love you are in. The poem either is so far reaching that it overshoots what you are truly feeling or it aims low and fails to cover it completely. It either idealizes your partner or it diminishes them.
I guess I am not a hopeless romantic, but a hopeful one. I am not willing to be walked on. I am not willing to be made into something I am not. I'm actually quite the catch if you're not creeped out by the way I dress or the hearses I drive.
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